1) Take some random american dude
PLUS
2) Inject him with super-serum in a lab…
=
VOILA!!! AMERICAN HERO!!!
CAPTAIN AMERICA!!!!!!
Hrmm…..I think I missed something here…..
Check out my latest on WSO:
What is your ideal working environment?
I know a lot of you had enjoyed my videos, a few went pretty far and made their rounds across Wall Street. Some of you may not know that I also like to sponsor and work with a charity called New City Kids in Jersey City. It is a great after-school program that keeps underprivileged and at-risk kids off the streets by offering a whole sort of activities (music, sports, art) and helping these children with their homework. What is awesome about this program is they also train these kids to be leaders. When they first come in they are instructed by an older mentor, but as to continue to stay they become teachers to those younger or more inexperienced in whatever activity they are involved in.
The last time I visited, one of the kids was being sent off to college after many years at the program. Apparently, when he first started he never even touched an instrument before, but when I saw him he was teaching younger students how to play guitar and drums. It was incredible how fast these kids can pick up things with the right kind of support and how a program like this can steer kids towards college instead of drugs. Of course, a program like this can only exist with adequate support.
I’ve talked to Patrick already and he’s pledged to make a substantial donation for each of the videos I made for WSO. For those who really found my videos entertaining or enjoyable (or even if you didn’t!), I ask that you make a small donation to this charity to help them continue and grow their efforts. I know bonuses have been rough for some of you so I understand if you can’t, but any amount will definitely go a long way. As much as I hate my passive-aggressive MD, I am still quite grateful that I have a job like this and for the opportunities I have gotten. If you want to see more check it out here. http://www.newcitykids.com/about.html
Please Donate: http://www.newcitykids.com/donate.html
Thanks guys,
“Adam the analyst”
My white friend posted this David Brooks column on his gchat, probably all gleeful that somebody thinks Amy Chua’s Tiger Mom method doesn’t work. Well it does! Look at me! I…err…um write a blog. Anyways, my two readers I found our ensuing conversation amusing.
me: ahh u soft white man
amy chua is a wimp because she doesn’t beat her kids
white friend: hahaha
me: that is all my melanin-deprived brother
white friend: there was this girl in high school who probably had an amy chua like mom
i enjoyed beating her on math tests
me: ahh u bastard
white friend: you could see the look in her eyes — “it can’t be! he’s white!”
“he doesn’t even play a string instrument!”
me: performance enhancing drugs or something man
there’s no way to beat the asian method of kumon and beatdowns
it’ll all come out soon enough, mr. armstrong
white friend: haha
me: you’ll be crying on the podium, returning your mathletes jersey and science league trophies
the worst part about this is
that girl is probably now your girlfriend
while I continue to live the lie of a life that is known as World of Warcraft
Remember ladies and gentleman, if the refs aren’t calling the game far make sure you remind them that you think they are:
1) Blind
2) Little Jewish girls hiding in an attic from Nazi persecution while writing a diary about their thoughts.
http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=5777860
“I just got told not to talk about it, so I can’t talk about it,” Crowder replied when first asked about his wild skirmish with McClain in the third quarter. Then he proceeded a beat later anyway. “But Le’Ron McClain spit in my face. He spit in my face. That’s some real s—. So if you talk to him, tell him he’s a ho. And if he ever comes to Miami, he’s got to see me.”
Crowder said when he complained to the officials, they told him they didn’t see McClain spit at him.
“Then they said something about they let [Dolphins linebacker] Karlos Dansby get away with a facemask the play before,” Crowder said. “Who the f— cares? A guy just spit in my face! I don’t give a damn about Karlos pulling somebody’s facemask. Like they didn’t see [Dolphins quarterback] Chad Henne get hit twice when he slid. Yeah, a little Stevie Wonder and Anne Frank.”
Asked what the Anne Frank reference meant, Crowder said “Who was that? Is that the blind girl? Helen Keller … I don’t know who the f— Anne Frank is. I’m mad right now. F— it. I’m not as swift as I usually am.
Congrats Liu Xiaobo, but you are definitely no Barack Obama. Suffering 11-years in prison against an authoritative and oppressive regime is still not as monumental as the “Beer Summit”
http://beedeekay.com/2010/01/16/obama-wins-nobel-peace-prize/
OSLO – The announcement drew gasps of surprise, cries of joy as well as loud shouts of “Hosanna in the highest”. Yet the President won the Nobel Peace Prize on Friday because the judges found his promise of disarmament and diplomacy too good to ignore.
The five-member Norwegian Nobel Committee — four of whom spoke to The Associated Press, said awarding Obama the peace prize could be seen as an early vote of confidence in the off-chance he participates in a Miss USA pageant. Obama was especially praised for his phrase, “Yes, we can!” an appeal that stemmed from his favorite philosophical text, The Little Engine that Could. It seems only Obama has that special ability to make millions of fully grown adults incessantly chant a phrase normally reserved for those who are unable to finish a race at the Special Olympics.
They lauded the change in global mood wrought by Obama’s calls for peace and cooperation, especially his groundbreaking peace agreement between Harvard professor, Henry Louis Gates and Boston police officer, James Crowley. They also praised his pledges to reduce the world stock of nuclear arms, a pledge that parallels his daughter’s own statement, “that bombs are bad.”
When asked about whether awarding the award was too early, Thorbjoern Jagland, chairman of the Norwegian Nobel Committee, stated, “Some people say — and I understand it — ‘Isn’t it premature? Too early?’” He continued, “I’d say it could be too late to respond three years from now, we can only wonder what a couple years could do to his figure, and we all know how important the swimsuit portion of the pageant is.” “It is now that we have the opportunity to respond — before those crow’s feet really set in.”
Jagland said the committee whittled down a record pool of 205 nominations and had “several candidates until the last minute, including a seven-year old child David Ryerson in Montana who had promised not to hit his friends if they played with his toys, R&B artist Chris Brown for promising not to become a husband who batters his wife and Orenthal Simpson for promising to tirelessly hunt for the killers of Ronald Goldman and Nicole Simpson” However, it became more obvious that “we couldn’t get around these deep changes that are taking place” under Obama.
Obama said he was surprised and deeply humbled by the honor and planned to travel to Oslo in December to accept the prize.
“Let me be clear: I do not view it as a recognition of my own accomplishments as a community organizer, but I do remember a time gently chided my Harvard Law friend who boxed out a little too hard when he was fighting for a rebound”, he said at the White House. “To be honest, I do not feel that I deserve this, especially since Michelle was the first one who told Malia and Sasha that sharing is caring.”
Obama will donate the $1.4 million cash award to the charity Amnesty International, as a way to commemorate the closing of the highly criticized Guantanamo Bay prison facility.
Archbishop Desmond Tutu of South Africa, who won the prize in 1984, said the decision showed that great sayings are expected from Obama and his “wonderful middle name” which should reach out to the Arab world after years of hostility.
Many were shocked by the unexpected choice so early in a presidency that began less than two weeks before the Feb. 1 nomination deadline for the prize and has yet to yield concrete achievements in peacemaking, a highly irrelevant issue in light of Obama’s promise to be nicer to other countries.
“So soon? Too early. He has no contribution so far. He is only beginning to act,” said former Polish electrical technician Lech Walesa, whose retarded and inept country, is the source of such asinine inventions like the glass hammer, solar-powered flashlight and submarine screen door.
Some around the world objected to the choice of Obama, who still oversees wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and has launched deadly counterterrorism strikes in Pakistan and Somalia. Nonetheless most of these people were probably unaware that Obama once called Kanye West a jackass.
Jagland told AP that while his war in Afghanistan was a concern, the Obama administration “immediately started to reassess the strategy.”
“That itself is important, because when something goes wrong, then you need to ask yourself why is it going wrong, much like when things go right, you need to ask why it’s going right” he said, taking a page from John Madden.
Obama said he was working to end his war in Middle East and “to confront a ruthless adversary that directly threatens my people and my allies”. The adversary was, “blithering idiot Joe Biden who fucking backstabbed me [Obama] in Yakutsk and took Kamchatka from Hank [Henry Paulson]” in a thrilling game of Risk. He later stated, “there is no way I am losing this one to that retard Joe.”
Taliban spokesman Qari Yousef Ahmadi in Afghanistan praised the Nobel committee’s decision, saying Obama’s words were so much better than the previous president, an obvious slight to the belligerent George W. Bush who once came under intense fire for his shocking statement, “Islam is a religion of peace.”
Aagot Valle, a lawmaker for the Socialist Left party who joined the Nobel committee this year, said she hoped the selection would be viewed as “support and a commitment for Obama.”
“And I hope Barry will one day return my phone calls.” she gushed towards the AP in a rare interview.
The peace prize was created partly to encourage ongoing peace efforts, but Obama’s efforts are at far earlier stages than those of past winners, and the committee acknowledged they may not bear fruit at all.
“If everything goes wrong, then one cannot say that this was because of Barack Obama,” Jagland said. “It could be that it is because of us, all the others, that didn’t respond. But I know that I hari-kiri is my only option at that point, for not being obedient to Lord Obama’s will.”
In Europe and much of the world, Obama is praised for bringing the U.S. closer to mainstream European thinking on such issues as wearing tight package-hugging speedos, blowing air kisses and refusing to bathe or shave regularly. A 25-nation poll of 27,000 people released in July by the Pew Global Attitudes Project found double-digit boosts to the percentage of people viewing the U.S. favorably in countries around the world, weighing heavily on the mind of RNC chairman Michael Steele, who feared for all of the seats the GOP would lose in the French and Argentinean districts.
The award appeared to be at least partly a slap at Bush from a committee that harshly criticized Obama’s predecessor for his largely unkind rhetoric towards al-Qaeda during the wake of the Sept. 11 terror attacks.
“Those who were in support of Bush in his belief that al-Qaeda were terrorists, on trying to hunt down Osama bin Laden, and putting American interests first … probably won’t be happy,” said Valle.
At home, the picture is more complicated. Obama is often criticized by his political opponents as he attempts to carry out his agenda — from spending non-existent money trying to cure a problem caused by people spending non-existent money to his victory in bringing the Olympics to the city of Chicago.
The Nobel committee said it paid special attention to Obama’s vision of a nuclear-free world, comparing this to the wishes of the 1997 runner-up to the Miss Colorado pageant. Kim Jong-Il, likewise noted in his own country as a great and peaceful man, praised Obama’s verbal commitment to peace and prosperity.
Former Peace Prize winner Mohamed ElBaradei, director general of the International Atomic Energy Agency in Vienna, said Obama has already provided outstanding leadership on nuclear non-proliferation.
“He has shown an unshakable commitment to drinking beers and dialogue as the best means of resolving conflicts,” ElBaradei said.
In July talks in Moscow, Obama and Russian President Dmitry Medvedev agreed that their negotiators would work out a new limit on delivery vehicles for nuclear warheads of between 500 and 1,100. They also agreed that warhead limits would be reduced from the current range of 1,700-2,200 to as low as 1,500. This move is important because it will prevent complete worldwide annihilation. The key for the committee was considering the lucky few that will be able to audaciously hope to consume the flesh of their fallen peers and thus stave off eventual death from radiation poisoning.
Although wholly irrelevant, there has been no word on whether either side has started to act on the reductions.
Also, inn a highly unique and unorthodox move, Obama also has tried to restart stalled Mideast talks with no progress yet reported, but is a largely unimportant fact.
In the Gaza Strip, leaders of the radical Hamas movement said they had heard Obama’s speeches on better relations with the Islamic world and have been deeply moved.
“We are in need of sayings, not actions” Prime Minister Ismail Haniyeh said “If only the President would be willing to bring us to talk with the Israelis, play a little foosball and eat some falafel afterwards as we and the Jews laugh at those who consume pork products”.
Unlike the other Nobel Prizes, which are awarded by Swedish institutions, the peace prize is given out by the five-member committee elected by the Norwegian Parliament. Like the Parliament, the panel has a leftist slant, with three members elected by left-of-center parties and the two right-of-center members Nancen Pelostrom and Henrik Reidsson. Jagland said the decision to honor Obama was unanimous.
Some controversial nominations included useless Columbian human rights advocate Piedad Cordoba, superfluous Afghan women’s rights activist Simi Samar and Denis Mukwege, a physician in war-torn Congo whose opening of a clinic to help rape victims didn’t really have anything to do with peace.
Obama is the third sitting U.S. president to win the award: President Theodore Roosevelt won in 1906 and President Woodrow Wilson was awarded the prize in 1919.
In his 1895 will, Alfred Nobel stipulated that the peace prize should go “to the person who shall have done the most about the work for fraternity between Harvard faculty and Boston law enforcement.”
I hate Breast Cancer Awareness.
Well….at least in its current form.
OK you say, “Mr. McDoof you are a cold, heartless bastard.” I say, wait a second…
It is ubiquitous, every girl and every dude who wants to feign a compassionate heart is wearing some sort of pink anything. Now look I hate breast cancer, my aunt got it and is trying hard to recover so I can see how important it is to get checked often, not to be afraid of getting a mammogram etc.
So how about this:
85% of all diagnoses have no family history.
1 in 8 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer.
Breast cancer is the leading cause of death in women between ages 40 and 55.
Bam! That’s my mom’s age and many of your mother’s ages. Who isn’t moved by the notion that there are women out there, our very mothers suffering from something that can be stopped. Why can’t we just do that?
Saying “I like it on a chair/I like it on the floor” etc. does not raise awareness for anything, except making me more aware that you are indeed a douchebag. The next time I say “That’s what she said” and you frown at such indiscretion, I am gonna smugly tell you I am raising awareness for prostate/testicular cancer.
Like everything else in life, tough issues like breast cancer need to be met with tough sacrifice and conviction. Waltzing around like a moron telling people you where you like to have sex, makes you an oafish horndog. People might giggle or laugh a little, but you’ve done actually zero work in doing anything for the cause for cancer. In fact, campaigns like these are distracting people from the more pertinent message of screenings and checkups. You wore a ribbon? Awesome, I am glad that I can see one now for the 467,854th time. OK, so I see pink a lot, but I am not sure what I am supposed do….
The most asinine part of all these awareness initiatives is that the people (upper-middle class folks who have the money and time to be able to parade around) who already know the most about breast cancer issues are the ones saturated with the message. The NFL has caught onto this with a lot of the players wearing pink gloves and shoes, so maybe it would hit a bigger audience. But still while the pink is undoubtedly effeminate and distracting, where were the ads or statements reminding us what many of us men should be doing for our wives, sisters, mothers and daughters? Couldn’t these awareness funds be used more directly for actual research or other initiatives? Something tells me the intention is good, but lacks any real benefit.
It makes sense though, people can pretend they are doing something noble and at the same time face no real cost to themselves. Real breast cancer awareness would actually entail work. Want to really raise awareness? How about visiting a family in a neighborhood that doesn’t have these resources. Want to be of help? How about visiting a woman suffering from the illness and facing a scary and lonely stage of her life. On a scale of 1-10 on doing something about breast cancer, wearing a ribbon and walking around your friends who are already inundated with this message is a 0.0001.
Maybe its me being a cynic, but why does every charity need to raise fanfare to do anything? What value is there is in a parade other than feeling good about ourselves while all you really are doing is causing traffic for everyone else? Is the only way we can donate money to a cause when people walk for a few miles, or if there is an enormous gala more dedicated to showing how rich and generous you are? All of this nonsense is 99% self-congratulatory and 1% “O wait, there’s a real issue here.”
It’s not just breast cancer, apparently there is a LINK event at Circle (korean nightclub)? Are you serious?
What’s the message? “Come support the cause by doing what you do every Friday, getting piss drunk.” Want to help North Koreans? I will promise you this will do very little to help North Koreans. Chasing fobby Korean girls with overpriced drinks in hand sounds like what old and sketchy Korean men do, not a way to bring freedom to North Korea. You wanna do that, fine whatever, lets not veil in under the premise of charity though please?
Is there something wrong with just, “Listen I am not gonna walk around or do anything, but breast cancer sucks. Can you donate to the cause?” OK, if parading is the only way we can raise money, fine I am all for it, but I wonder what this says about the state of the world right now. I am pretty sure that the reason why every celebrity has their own pet cause is not because of a sudden increase in “kindness” among them. Conspicuous Charity…apparently, our kindness is only worth something if everyone else can see it.
Listen, I hate cancer. Visiting my aunt in person, when she had a thinning head of hair shocked me. Seeing her in such a frail state made me wonder what we could do to help prevent/stop/help. Acting like a insufferable douche pretending to care for a cause is not one of them.
I will be making a few more videos with the website, wallstreetoasis.com. It will be a series taking you through, in little more depth, the life of an analyst.
My two readers! Be sure to stay tuned at my website or WSO for updates.
Regards,
Mr. Mcdoof.
Add another problem to the long list of issues stirring conflict between Coach Mike Shanahan and defensive lineman Albert Haynesworth: Fatfcukitis.
The condition causes the rapid consumption of Krispy Kreme Donuts and is what sidelined Haynesworth in practice last week, three people familiar with the situation said Sunday.
Tony Wyllie, Redskins’ senior vice president, said Sunday afternoon the team would have no comment on Haynesworth until Coach Mike Shanahan addresses the media after practice Monday.
Shanahan has discussed Haynesworth’s symptoms but hasn’t revealed an exact diagnosis. Experts say that Haynesworth’s ability to play in Saturday’s game likely means he’s recovered from the condition. They also warn, though, that the fact that Haynesworth was suffering from fatfcukitis might also indicate that he would probably wear a t-shirt whenever he enters a swimming pool.
“Fatfcukitis is basically a condition in which you make a ton of money and find it unnecessary to do any athletic activity for a whole summer,” said Dr. Lynne P. Yao, chairman-elect of the National Fat Guys Foundation. “It doesn’t happen as often in well-conditioned athletes, but if there’s really extreme circumstances — like eating a ton of donuts and sleeping in the piles of cash your boss gives you freely — than that could happen.”
Experts say fatfcukitis can cause a breakdown of any desire to work hard.
Haynesworth lashed out after Saturday night’s 23-3 loss to the Baltimore Ravens, saying the team is underplaying the severity of his chafed thighs that prompted him to sit out practice at Redskins Park. Haynesworth also contends that team officials are still holding his absence during the offseason conditioning program against him, and he announced he plans to skip next season’s voluntary conditioning program, something that would probably help alleviate his condition.
In speaking with reporters after the game, Haynesworth never mentioned Shanahan by name, but multiple team sources said the two-time all-pro performer’s anger is directed at Shanahan because he has described Haynesworth’s condition as being “more of being a fat-ass than anything else.” Haynesworth declined to reveal specifics about maladies that prompted him to cut short his participation in practice Tuesday as well as miss the sessions Wednesday and Thursday, but team medical personnel last week noted he is now unable to see his own feet when he takes a shower and needs to reserve two seats on team flights.
The condition is caused by eating too much and not moving for long stretches of time. People who experience minor emotional trauma, such as a bad break-up, are more susceptible to eating a tub of ice cream while watching a bad Jennifer Aniston movie, experts say.
Another Redskins player suffered from fatfcukitis last season, one of the team sources said. Treatment includes the aggressive use of liposuction, but there is no medication available.
In an interview late Saturday after the game, Haynesworth expressed frustration about the way things have been characterized because he “just wants people to say the truth about what’s going on. That’s it. A fatass? That’s not what’s going on.” At the time, he was eating a stick of butter wedged between two chocolate-chip cookies.
Meanwhile, several of Haynesworth’s teammates simply shook their heads in disbelief when informed of the latest dust up between Shanahan and Haynesworth. One defensive veteran aware of Haynesworth’s condition said he understood why Haynesworth was upset that they did not make bras in his size, but also sided with Shanahan in saying that Shanahan would never reveal details about any player’s extensive stretch marks to the media.
Another defensive player tired of the conflict said he could not understand why Haynesworth seemed to be upset. It is common knowledge within the locker room that the Redskins plan to continue to allow Haynesworth to start dinnertime at the front of the line, his desired position in the team’s new cafeteria, and it just doesn’t make sense for Haynesworth to continue to poke Shanahan, a much slimmer and fit man.
“I know what type of player I am and what I can do” if the Redskins let him, he said in the interview late Saturday night. “I just want people to buy me food.”
(Albert and Redskins staff looking for the candy bar he dropped on the field)
Mr. Mcdoof back in action here…..
You should check out the comments here. Ta-Nehisi Coates’s readers have some interesting things to say about interracial dating. He wrote:
One rather consistent complain in comments in the interracial dating thread is lack of talk about how Asian-Americans fit into this.
Hrmm, take a walk through Central Park and inevitably you’ll see a beautiful HAPA (Half-Asian Person American?, not sure about what it means) baby, except the Dude is always white and the girl is always Asian. Not that I have a problem, but the reverse is not nearly as prevalant so much so, you see Facebook groups like this. (Thanks Fert)
A few factors I might posit as to why (along with their actual significance):
1) Prevailing stereotypes about Asian (I suppose specifically, Korean) guys beating their wives and treating them like garbage. Apparently, every Asian person who isn’t a weak-kneed pansy is a misogynistic and sexist jerk.
Not that significant; though for example, Jin-Soo Kwon in LOST spoke terrible Korean, but apparently inherited the K-gene that inclined him to berate and beat his wife for the first few seasons I still love you LOST, no I don’t, that ending was a huge Lebron James cop-out.
2) Terrible Asian male film roles: Apparently Asian guys are only useful when we need to find ourselves a Karate instructor after we get beaten up by bullies or if its about well, Asian people.
Somewhat significant, if not a cause, at least a reflection of society’s views on the masculine Asian dude.
3) Maintenance of Asian culture is easier with a White Dad/Asian Mom combo than vice-versa. I know a lot of Korean parents who express concerns that they want their grandchildren to be raised “Korean”
I think this is pretty significant as well and actually a solid reason. Many guys make the same judgment call here.
4) Rampantly one-sided yellow fever. White girls aren’t into Asian guys the way white guys are into Asian girls. Seems to be a fact of life. Ask any Asian guy what he would do to date a white girl, he would probably give up a kidney or finger. Yes see this.
“Yo have you seen Min’s girlfriend?”
“What is she pretty?”
“No, she’s white!!!”
“What? No way!!!!”
One guy commented on Coates’s blog:
That said, there’s an empirical reality out there. Using most surveys, or census tabulations of interracial households, interracial relationships involving Asian-Americans exhibit greater gender disparities than any other set of relationships. There’s an enormous amount of scholarship out there intending to explain this, much of it revolving around the gendering of race – the notion, in this case, that Asians have been constructed as effeminate and submissive, rendering women exotically desirable but not men. I’ve also seen the idea floated that given the relatively rigid and traditionally patriarchal construction of some Asian communities, it may be that women are more likely to seek escape from such strictures through an interracial liaison, while men are likely to shun such relationships inasmuch as they require the abandonment of privileged status. Or, in a third theory that offers a twist on the second, that women who acquire education, careers, and a measure of independence are sometimes considered too modern or independent, and so seek relationships outside their community because they cannot build them within it. And then there’s the notion that, in cultures that place enormous emphasis on patrilineality, dutiful sons may feel tremendous pressure to preserve the continuity of family and tradition via endogamous marriage, whereas daughters may not.
China’s one-child policy created incentives for families to raise boys and many Asian girls flock to fawning white guys. This increases the amount of single Asian males to Asian females (last time i checked i think the ratio stands roughly at 15:1). At this rate, we should see thousands of Asian male zombies rioting on the streets or attacking each other like horny and rabid chimpanzees. Nope they’ve found a different outlet. Maybe this is why all my single, Asian guy friends are so damn excited instead about this:
Just sayin’. Why care about the real world when you could be a master of the universe!
Yes, this is an awards show for “pro-gamers” who kick butt at games like Starcraft. Ahhhh yes, you roll your eyes and laugh at how stupid it is a country can put so much stock in people playing a game that has zero consequence on real world matters, like for instance putting a ball in a hoop, into the back of a net or kicked through yellow uprights. Oh yea….never mind we’re all douchebags.
As for me, I will try my best not play it. Whenever I find a vice, I tend to do too much of it. I figure Starcraft might be one of those things.
Flustered Mcdoof
